Long Time No Blogy-blog

So, 3 days ago I was getting prepped for my first surgical experience. Less than 4 weeks before, my doctor found a really big ovarian cyst...with a mass...not because I was having any symptoms but just in a routine exam. The appointment was supposed to be a quick renewal of my IUD (tmi? I don't think so) where I was hoping to get out quick to catch up with a friend over coffee but did a 180 to "You might need a hysterectomy...it could be cancer."

Just keep smiling, breathing, don't think, just listen. Do whatever your doctor says. Call your insurance. Cancel the coffee talk. Go home and tell your husband.

I tried to stay stoic but, once I drove away from that appointment, I sobbed a little. And when I got home, a lot. Just for a few minutes and in my husband's arms. He has this saying, says it all the time, "It's going to be fine." Less than 2 days later I got the results of the CA-125 test, numbers look good, it's not cancer. Yippee!

A week goes by and no word from the oncologist's office. Why do I need an oncologist anyway? Finally, I get that appointment I've been waiting for. Looks like I need surgery, and soon. Finally digesting all the challenges to my work/life that I'll be experiencing in the near future, I go for pre-op and learn a new term - borderline tumor.

Much to my dismay, not all masses are clearly malignant or benign. There's a gray zone of unknown that left me making decisions about what needs to happen when I'm on the table based on what the doctors see once inside. I'm not the best at making decisions and try to avoid surgical stuff in every way I can. Examples of this avoidance:

• having 2 kids via mid-wifery sans hospital, no drugs
• living with bunions and tailor's bunions on both feet
• keeping my saggy boobs despite my husband's "encouragement" of getting them "fixed"

No thanks, I'll keep myself just the way I am. But I was asked to decide, if it looked questionable, whether I wanted full staging while I was in the OR, to find out what happened after I awoke or to possibly need a second surgery after I healed from the first. Man, this is a hard decision. I still don't feel qualified to make these choices, even about my own body.

Fortunately, it was not a borderline tumor. It was a dermoid or teratoma, almost always benign and the mass included TEETH! I do love horror movies;) I still don't have all the details and I have so many questions.

So here I am, same body but with a few less internal parts and a few more holes. At this moment, I just can't believe how long a day feels. It feels like a just had a baby (without the trauma down under). I'm uncomfortable but dealing, refocusing and re-imagining the near future.